I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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