I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
