Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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