You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
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