WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
someone get that fucking seahorse.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
