As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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