I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
