She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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