I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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