Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
