ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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