Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
