Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
