brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
