I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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