We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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