Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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