and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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