i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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