I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
