I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
