Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
