I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
