I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
