I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
