I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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