How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
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My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You're like the curious george of whores
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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