My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
