in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
