I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
