Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
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she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
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So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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