it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
