Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
