I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
