My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
