He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
