When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
