when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
