Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
