well I can't set my house on fire every night
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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