At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
