The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
