it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
