This house was built for laser tag.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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