??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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