Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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