my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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