How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
