i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
