I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
