forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
