If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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