The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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