I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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