Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
