3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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