Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
