look no pants
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
